Ouch, this toilet paper hurts my butt.

When we first entered this apartment, 3 yrs ago, our very friendly and accommodating landlord provided us with 2 rolls of toilet paper.
Now I went on Wikipedia and looked up "toilet paper" and saw that the first line included the word "soft". (A fascinating article, btw.)


These two rolls we received were decidedly *hard*.
They were eye-bugging-out-of-your-head hard.

I was wondering for a while if it really was, in fact, toilet paper, or if it was supposed to be used around the kitchen etc. like mini Bounty paper towels - Bounty is softer than this t.p. mind you.
I thought I made use of the wrong sort of paper in my attempt at personal hygiene. Nope, the things were toilet paper.

This paper refused to get wet even! I tried using them to wipe up spills etc., but they would just spread the liquid around and not make the slightest effort to absorb anything! It performed and felt to the skin, like if each block was dipped in varnish. *sheesh*
It should be illegal to sell varnish coated ice-off-your-windshields-in-winter scrapers under the name "toilet paper".
Anyhow, the first thing I went out and bought was REAL toilet paper.

I read in a book (yep, I can read, and I actually own a book, I even plan on buying one with bigger words when I go back to the bookstore) that the British used scraps of paper before "real" t.p. was invented.
They would collect all the flyers and paper used to wrap their parcels in etc., and then one lucky lady would get the joyous job of cutting then down to size. The harder paper/cardboardy types, would be used as "spills" to light candles etc. I most certainly can imagine the scenario, since I experienced it myself.

I also read that the Japanese once used wooden sticks to do the job - wooooooooooohooooooooo.... Sounds like fun!!
Wikipedia has a lovely photograph of the items (look up 'Toilet Paper')- somehow I believe they were called "chugi". Somebody please tell me if I'm wrong.

A member of my family on the Japanese side is a huge fan of the TOTO toilets. The ones with the built in bidet, bum dryer, waxer, blush applicator and prober (to check for worms).
She insisted I use the thing (not the prober, I already know I have worms) and told me how wondeful I'll feel after.

UGH, it wasn't wondeful in the least. It's an admirable idea, but it certainly doesn't get the job done AT ALL.
The spray just isn't strong enough. They also need to develop a hand (perferably one one out of a latexy material and not, say, steel) to extend and assist with the washing process. Soap wouldn't go amiss either.
I resorted to wet wipes.

How do you attend to the (hopefully) daily business of personal hygeine?
Please comment! I'd LOVE to know :D

Frooples